St Augustine Adventures: Day 1 (GA BBQ, Ocean Gallery, and Creekside Dinery)

The Hartley's are back from another adventure. We packed it full of laughter, memories, ocean waves, and friend/family time. We have had SO many requests from friends and family on how we travel so much, on a budget and what we do.... so here it is! I'll share a day at a time of what our travels are like in Hartley world!

First off, St. Augustine has become "our place." Our place that we go to to regroup and to just sink our toes in the sand. We have truly fallen in love with it. I can't picture a more perfect spot.

Let the St. Augustine adventures begin.

We took off from our house at about 5:30am. We had planned on 5, but well... life happens. We had to make 3 stops in the first 5 hours. Word to the wise, no protein shakes and coffee when you travel. I was the reason for the pee breaks!

We made it to our first stop, St. Simons Island, GA. This area has a special place in my heart without ever setting foot there. My grandma used to go there every year on vacation and she had always raved about it. I was so excited to finally see what she saw, even if it was only for a couple hours. For lunch, we chose Southern Soul Barbecue. I had heard about it on Food Network and it was one of the highest rated restaurants in that area on Yelp. We also knew that we would be eating seafood all week, so we decided to try something different. It definitely didn't disappoint. It was voted "Best BBQ In the South!"

As we were arriving we passed it the first time. It's in an unassuming spot that used to be gas station, but once you drive up and see the line out the door and the people sitting outsize, it's hard to miss.

Needless to say, it's been on a lot of shows, and we understood why. The lines were long so we ended up getting our food to go. We tried to go eat at that beach, but since it was nearing 100 degrees, we decided to pull into the parking lot of our next stop and picnic. 

The brisket was my absolute favorite. Incredible smoke ring, just the right amount of fat and oh... that Sweet Georgia Soul Barbecue Sauce people rave about? It's legit. I could have drank the stuff and literally was licking the drippings off my arm. Buy it. Drink it. Savor it.

We ended up getting a pork and brisket and splitting it. The pork was definitely delish, but anyone that knows me know I'm a brisket girl!

The mac n cheese was good, but the brisket definitely outshined it by far.

Slathered with the Sweet Georgia Sauce,,, mmmmm good. 

Our next stop was the St. Simons Seafood. Prior to leaving, it crossed my mind that nothing was going to be open on Sunday for seafood (and Lord knows... when we go to the beach, we eat seafood EVERY SINGLE NIGHT) so we decided to stop here and put it in our cooler. The owner BJ was so sweet to us and Landree and helped us make a great decision on some ultra fresh Georgia shrimp that I forgot to take a picture of. They were HUGE!!! So glad we stopped there.

On the road again we go... the last two hours of our trip down 95 to St. Augustine were a breeze. Landree fell asleep and it was a peaceful trip.  When we pulled in, Erick told me to take her to the beach and let her roam for a little bit while he unpacked. How could I pass that up? 

 I walked over the dunes and there it was. The beautiful powdery sand in all it's glory. I sighed and took in the salty air. 

I captured Landree staring at the ocean and simply saying... thank you Jesus!

We made it back up to the room and of course, I cracked one of these bad boys.  Vacation had finally begun. 

We have an amazing unit at The Ocean Gallery. The owner is absolutely fabulous and does everything she can to make it an amazing experience. Her condo is simple and cozy. We are actually going back again next year. Here are a couple shots from our condo... 

 You can tell that I snapped after Erick started bringing stuff in!!!

We went for a quick dip in the pool and knew we had to wrap it up to go to dinner. We ended up at an amazing spot called Creekside Dinery. I found it on Yelp and it was known to be a place where the locals go. We made a great pick! Our server was absolutely incredible and I'm pretty sure Landree was flirting...

It has the most laid back, wonderful atmosphere. They even do call ahead.

Over the edge of the patio are these little friends. They are so crazy and stand up waiting for food. Landree said the baby was her friend. 

We did find out they don't care for garlic bread or lemons...

The most beautiful, peaceful view. 

So, I completely forgot to get a picture of Erick's dinner. Landree was getting a little busy. She split food with Erick and I. These were incredible rock shrimp, potatoes and beans. Erick had a seafood platter (all grilled) of crabcake, mahi, shrimp, and something I just can't remember. Even the beans were delish!

We ended the night out on the patio. It had just rained and the band was playing again. Landree met a new friend (the lady in the black) and she had a great time listened to the music. Overall, a successful dinner!

Day 2 coming soon!

It's Not Over Yet : Praying Through the Storm

When we first found out we were pregnant, we never really told Landree. She just kinda found out through conversation. In the months prior, she prayed for a sibling every day after finding out Mrs. Melody was going to have babies. We asked what she wanted to name her future brother or sister.
Peanut. That's what Landree named our sweet angel baby. Every single day, every meal of the day Landree would pray for Peanut. When she could tell I would upset, somehow she would keenly know that mommy needed to stop and pray.

The day we found out about our loss, we told Landree. We didn't want to hide it from her because she could sense that something was up with us. It is a reality of this world we live in. We simply told her that "God wanted them more, so Peanut went to live in Heaven with God and Jesus." Her first response was that she wanted to there with Peanut, but then she understood that she will have an angel to watch over her. The thought that my child is sitting next to Jesus is frankly overwhelmingly comforting.

The days since then have been interesting. The first few days were filled with relief. Relief that this sweet baby was finally pain free and that my body could heal. Relief that God always knows what is best even though we may not. Relief that God answered my biggest prayer, peace.

Tears have come and gone. Oddly enough the tears come when I don't expect it. Songs, memories, and thinking about never nursing again were the triggers. Erick hardly ever saw me upset. I think I just went through the motions of life as normal . I wondered why I didn't have that cry reaction and my aunt Missy reminded me that "I'm a Stokes" that's why. My grandma Ruth had been through so much loss in her life and she just kept putting one foot in front of the other. It always stays in the back of my mind.

I never realized how raw the pain is even years later. I can't even begin to count the number of people that have came forward and shared their stories with me. Some with one angel baby, some with ten, and everywhere in between. The love of those angels never ceases. There will always be questions of what if's and whys.

Throughout everything, I refused to keep quiet. I wanted people to know that the pain, struggle, and fight are very real.The tears flow, prayers go unanswered the way we think they should, and you question God. But, that the need for my faith first, spouse second, and village third are the most important. That it's OK to process in your own way and not to perceive how you think you should respond to a situation.

Currently, I have more pregnant friends then I can count. Some days it's rough to hear the stories, but I keep praying. I know that most of these women have walked in my shoes and are so deserving of these rainbow babies. I will get there -- in God's time. Is it weird to think the hardest part about it all is thinking I may never get to nurse again? I never realized how much I cherished those 15 months, no matter how many nights I just wanted to sleep.

Throughout everything, my husband prayed us through it. Hearing him tear up while trying to be strong for me was one of the hardest things I'll ever hear, but he just kept praying. From that moment, he told me he hasn't changed the dial from the Christian station. I would get so frustrated that he would make me sit in that car over and over frustrated at God with his "God knows best music" when frankly, I was pissed at this so called plan. He just keeps praising. God works in amazing ways.

If you are walking in my shoes, I'm praying for you daily. I'm praying for every single couple that feels this pain and just wants one answered prayer. I will never ever be the person that says your baby will come. I won't tell myself that either. I will remind you that God's plan is so much greater then we can even fathom. Pray through it. Every single time you feel like you are getting mad or frustrated or there's one more endless doctor appointment to find out "why" pray. Stop and pray. Drown your ears with praise and worship instead of the world that is trying to push you down. Be vocal. It is not bad or wrong what you are going though. Be mad and frustrated and angry. It's ok! You are normal! It's not faux pas to talk about it. You could be the light that someone needs to feel, you just have to be bold and listen if God is calling.

And just remember... it's not over yet.

Rest in Heaven Sweet Peanut 

The Start of a Painful Journey of Faith

It's been so long since the last time I wrote. I realized the last time that I wrote was one week before we found out we were expecting. It's amazing how much can change in a matter of two months.

Our pregnancy story is a weird one... and in a nutshell crazy. I was 5 days late. I wasn't testing positive but I just knew it wasn't right. My body is a little kooky but this was beyond. I took another test and left it on the counter. It tested negative. I threw it in the trash with a "what the hell is wrong with my body" and walked away. That night, something told me take out the trash and fish that test out. What did I see? A positive. A dark positive. I knew it had been plenty of time for that other to test positive. Apparently God's plan was a little different then mine. I SCREAMED "what the hell??" And our journey began... (I kept it classy in true Jill form.)

May 2nd, 2017 we were given news in a way we were expecting, but faithfully denying. Our sweet 11 week old fetus was going to become an angel baby. I was going to have an angel. I was speechless, but knew it was coming. Three weeks prior, we started having routine appointments and things just didn't seem right. When they say a mom's gut knows, they do. Trust it.  At our first appointment, it measured small, but Landree did too. No biggie, come back next week. The following week, we go back and the baby had grown some, but the heart beat was low. At that point the tech gave us a little heads up but she said as long as there is growth,  we are ok. Some babies just have lower heart beats.

Our third appointment came and our world was rocked. We came in and although I visibly saw the beating heart (and my God was it beautiful) the baby that should be measuring around 10 weeks was still only measuring 6.5. My gut told me it was done. I knew it. We were taken to the room with the doctor. She's truly an amazing Christian woman that is real with us. She is compassionate but doesn't sugar coat and I appreciate that about her. She delivered the news that although our sweet angel had a beating heart, it wasn't going to make it. I think I was numb and she was stunned my reaction wasn't different. At that point I was just trying to stare at the wall, pull it together and have some sense. We were offered another ultrasound which at first I took so they could confirm that the baby wasn't growing. Later on, I chose not to. God told it's not what I needed. I needed to remember that sweet baby's heart beating... and honestly it's the best decision I think I've made in my life. I called the doctor back and scheduled my D and C for the next week after confirming through blood work my numbers were indeed dropping

Our anniversary came and passed. We spent an amazing weekend in the Smokey Mountains and thank god it came when it did. We spent time as a family truly soaking up that time together. We didn't need to do anything fancy, we just needed to be together. We hiked, laughed, ate amazing food, and just lived spontaneously. God knew that I needed that. Our family prayed more in those weeks then we ever have. To hear your husband tearfully praying for your family is something you just never seem to get out of your mind.

Thursday I walked into the surgery terrified. Once you have a child any type of surgery can be terrifying. I can't imagine anyone else raising our sweet girl. Of all of the things happening, that scared me the most. The surgery passed in a flash (10 minutes to be exact) and I woke up staring at the clock.  I didn't know what to expect or how I would feel. I couldn't even cry I felt numb. It almost scared me how "good" I felt. Like God truly removed 3 weeks of incredible stress, fears, and  tears out of me. I felt like I had lost 10lbs and I couldn't believe it. Through it all, I never actually prayed for God to save this sweet baby. I prayed for his peace and grace to get through this moment. More then anything, I needed to feel his grace and His arms wrapped around me. It's a void no human can fill. I have never known a peace like this. I can't even begin to describe it. I will say for those wondering because many have asked, before anything was started the doctor DID do another ultrasound pre-surgery just in case anything had changed. I consider myself blessed that I didn't have to see it.

Tomorrow I'll share the month after and where our family is going from here.  To any families that may read this or are going through it... you aren't alone. I share my journey because God says it's time and he knows it will be therapeutic for my soul. I'll never know why he brought us here, but I know it's for Him to use we just keep walking the journey.

Just. Don't. Ask.

It's amazing how a speaker can change your world. You can sit and hear words that God had flow out of their mouths and realize, it's meant for you... and others. 

The past few months have been challenging. The past few months have been filled with poking, prodding, tears, arguments, and decisions. 

So many people have been asking recently when we are going to have another baby. Some good friends, some that barely know us, and some random people that feel it's their job to insert their opinion. And the personal favorite of mine, oh are you pregnant?

When asking... have you ever stopped to think that maybe it's not in the cards? Or that you just asked someone that has been trying for months but hasn't had success? Or quite possibly that it was someone that found out it may never happen. 

They are such simple statements often meant in love. "Oh they are moving out of the way for the next." "Oh, she's three? Do you really want them that far apart?" (PS. My brother and I are 6 years apart, it's not a crime or sin to have your children far apart-- we survived and have a wonderful relationship.)

I think few realize how hurtful these statements can truly be. How someone's heart can be filled with so much anger because God isn't answering prayer and people have to ask... why aren't you popping out another one yet?

Just. Don't. Ask. It isn't your body. It isn't your family. It isn't your life. I know the intent is good, but please don't ask. To some, it's heart breaking every single time they have to answer, not now... or probably not. When you are in a struggle of faith, the last thing you want is someone to question it.

Erick and I have in fact been trying. I have been given the diagnosis of PCOS along this interesting journey, which in fact explains why I've had the overall struggles. I've cried more times then I can count, but also been strangely in tune with God and his plan. Who am I to go against The Great Creator's plan? And honestly, it's no one's business. 

I looked at Erick recently and just said... I'm done. I'm with the sticks, I'm done with the poking, I'm done with thinking I have to just "do it" because I'm on some cycle. That is insanity to me. I stopped enjoying life! I'm not saying that it's wrong for anyone to do that. How could I when I did it myself? But, when it was literally giving me anxiety, it's time to let go and let God. If I trust him in the amazing times, it's my true humbling test of testing him in the trials.

A beautiful women named Tabbatha Yates spoke at our church Connect2 this past weekend. One verse struck a cord with me and I knew after hearing it, I had to tell our story. 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. -- 1 Peter 1:6 NLT.

I am so blessed. Blessed beyond measure that God chose me to be this sweet girl's mother, but too stressed to embrace this little peanut. I was focusing what the didn't have instead of the incredible blessing I do have.. because I was asked so many times and felt pressure... and failed. Hearing these words revived my heart. We did an activity where we nailed things to the cross that have been on our hearts. My goodness was it a powerful cleansing of my soul. 

It truly may not be in our cards to have another. Or, maybe I'll find out tomorrow. It's God choice, not others to pressure us into when it's going to happen or that it SHOULD happen because Landree NEEDS a sibling. 

The next time you have it on your heart (unless you know them well!) take a moment before asking. Take a moment to pray before you say something to family. You don't know their story. You don't know if they have tried for months and spent their last dime on fertility or if adding another would cause too much financial strain. You don't know if the mom nearly died trying to have her last child and she lives in fear. Or, they flat out only want that number of children!! 

Finally, friends and family if you have asked, there are NO hard feelings whatsoever. I know that you love Erick and I and only want the best for us. If it's in God's timing, I'll be updating with exciting news! Until then, I cuddle Landree a little tighter, cherish every moment, and tune out all of the opinions!! Until then, just keeping sending the prayers our way for God's will. My goodness is his plan so much greater then The Hartley's plan!

(Photo Courtesy of Erika Dawson) 

Satan Stole My Joy

The past few months I hid behind a curtain. A curtain that was messing with my mind, my heart, and my family. I often pray before writing to see what is truly on my heart, but last night while having fellowship with our church, I knew it was time.

Sitting in church didn't feel the same. Fellowship didn't feel the same. Nothing felt like it clicked. I was logged into Instagram more then paying attention to the words coming from the minister's mouth. I didn't feel like I fit anymore. I constantly was looking for something that was wrong instead of everything in the world that was right. Selfishly I was annoyed at my husband for actually being joyful as we walked out of the doors. I lived in a sea of dread literally dreading Sunday morning. One person upset me and it sent me over the edge. I was ready to walk out. I was ready to quit.

I officially hit the church funk. The funk that drove me to look into every single church that apparently was in a 30 mile radius to see what they could offer me that my own didn't. If a church website could track the times I landed there, they would probably think I was stalking them. I was constantly enthralled with the "ooh's and aah's" of what might be bigger and better other places. Places that instantaneously were going to just fix it all. I would be cured. I would walk into church and literally feel in paradise. Wrong.

We visited one. It was WONDERFUL, don't get me wrong. We may visit there again. We may include Landree in youth activities... but it wasn't home. It wasn't the people that took us in when our lives were turned upside down. I stood in the parking lot crying because I knew it was "wrong." I knew I was chasing something that wasn't going to be fulfilled by four walls of a church.

Satan stole my Joy. My true inner joy. The joy you feel only with God's inner peace. He wanted me to keep questioning everything right in front of me. He wanted me out of the church that feeds my soul so he could feed on me. I was miserable. He wanted me to church chase for the "stuff" instead of the meat of God's word.

It took a three year old to bring me to my senses. Amazing how God uses children in the most amazing ways. She said to me ... "Mommy, I want my old church. I want Miss Linda. I love Jesus." I stopped dead in my tracks. She gets it. She gets the reason she is in those four walls.

I thought our church had to give me everything. I felt guilty when it wasn't fulfilling every single need that I spiritually have. A friend told me about a bible study she started for moms and women in general in my age range. Immediately Satan was messing with me... just leave. Go there. That's it. Be done with this church, obviously the other church is more in tune with your needs. I prayed. I realized... why can't I go to multiple sources to be fed? We were never meant to be fed from one source. I would just keep chasing my tail. I could have both. The beautiful lessons of Tabbatha and our beautiful faith family. I could attend events at other churches without "cheating" and bring back wonderful concepts to my own church.

How could I not see everything right in front of me? How did Satan distort my view so bad that I didn't realize that these people truly love us? When did I care what I would be offered instead of what I could offer the church?  When I finally broke through, I realized God put a phrase on my heart. Be the change you want to see. Bring to the table what you want to see because more then likely, someone else is praying about the same thing. Be honest and authentic about the struggles that you are facing in your faith with those you trust that will guide and pray for you.

I'm not saying in any way a church will be your forever church. As our minister told us, if you evolve and change, the church will evolve and change. You have to follow what is best for your family and for your faith to lead your family forward. People are going to upset you, get back up and try again. You aren't going to believe every single thing you hear and may strongly disagree. You aren't going to be captivated by every single sermon you hear... maybe God has it intended for someone else's ears that need it. You may not find your fit where you click. Reach out and shake a hand. You never know who God may be putting in your path if you are willing to receive it.

I need my family. I need my faith. I love my church. It's my home. It's my safety in a chaotic world. It's the family and support we need as a family living so far from home and our own families. We were meant to fellowship with others. This church loves us. Truly, emphatically, bottom of their hearts love us.

Find the church that truly cares about you. The church that notices when you aren't there and truly reaches out to you. Find the church that makes you want to be a better person and to push you to step out boldly in your faith.

Reidsville Christian Church, you are stuck with us. Your bright shining amazing faces that fill each and every row... you get to stare at our busy bee daughter for the foreseeable future.  I am so proud to call this wonderful church, HOME.

Photo Courtesy of Reidsville Christian Church

Slowing Down for Joy

I came across this quote this morning on a blog called Blissful and Domestic and it stuck with me.

“The joy in motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times, but amid the challenges there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.” 

-M. Russell Ballard 

Yesterday was one of those days. I had all intention of documenting the times that we have spent together the past couple days. I had all intentions of filling full of Christmas memories, fun, love, and laughter.... but it just didn't happen. Life happened. Moments of yelling, drinking fountain tantrums at the Y, times when the snack provided in the car just wasn't enough... and a million other moments in a five minute time period that drove me nuts. I let the season, the stress, and the family indifferences rot in my soul.

As I was cleaning the kitchen yesterday, I got the God urge to just slow down. To slow and to savor those moments with our now 3 year old. I looked at the hot mess around me and just threw the towel. I ran in her bedroom and grabbed the one "easy to move" CD player in the house and in went TSO. Instantly the mood changed in the house. She danced.... with me. With me the mom that had 50 million things on her plate and didn't want to do anything but check off the boxes. She grabbed my hands and told me that it made it her joyful. ME!  I made her joyful. Something so simple as turning off the stuff of the season and turning on the simple needs of a three year old. 

We were working our way through the tracks and this song Oh Come All Ye Faithful/Oh Holy Night came on. I started singing (horribly I might add) and it just soaked in my soul. Oh holy night is a favorite of Erick and I's. Not sure why it became so special to us... Erick says Paul Dagenhard's version is his favorite. I stood at the laundry room door and just started to sing. Sing at the top of my lungs (praise Jesus Landree doesn't judge!) and sunk to the floor holding her and singing. What a blessed time of the year overrun by my checklists, perfection, and trying to overcome obstacles. I played it again... and again. Each time closing my eyes and just letting the words penetrate my soul. God's small simple lesson to me... slow down sweet child. I stood up and threw my hands in the air. I praised. I spun Landree around...  I was faithful.

Our Sunday school teacher asked how we would be keeping the Christmas spirit alive throughout the year. Like this Paul, like this. By bringing the love of Jesus to my daughter instead of the stuff. And no, I'm not talking about gifts. I'm not judging. I'm talking about the "stuff" we think the holidays has to be. I need to stop being a box checker and be present. I need to keep sitting by the Christmas tree and reading Christmas stories. 

At that very moment, I stopped, looked at Landree. Dare I ask? I asked Landree, who's birthday do we celebrate on Christmas. I was expecting her's... Pubbies... maybe mine to come off her lips. Her response? "Jesus birthday is on Christmas mommy. We celebrate him and give him presents." 

I cried. On the spot I cried. She gets it. She truly and utterly gets it. I had not completely sent her down the checklist spiral. The only response I could muster? "Landree the best gift you can ever give Jesus is to give him your heart, and love him with everything you are."  

Today we venture out to teach Landree more about giving back... 

Tis the Season for Comparison

Where has time gone? It has been half a year since I have last written a blog. I read one that I was written by Erick's aunt Paula and I realized... I need to get back to writing. It was therapeutic even if no one ever read it.

Last Thursday, we welcomed blogger Aprille Donaldson from Beautiful in His Time to our MOPS meeting. I had never met her,  but came across her blog randomly. After reading the first couple lines of her blog, I knew she would be a perfect speaker for our "hot mess group" as I call it. Over the past two years, I haven't given the women a topic to speak about, instead simply to pray about where God leads them. This month was simply perfect.

Aprille did an amazing activity with us that I encourage everyone to do. We were given a little packet of papers with the names of each mom present in our group (and holy moly have we grown and have a lot of amazing moms!) and we simply wrote next to each one something we envied about them. What an eye opener. You never realize as you are sitting there envying something about one mom they are doing the same thing right back at you. I never pictured anyone envying me in any way. I just do life where God leads me. When we wrote those words, it was freeing. It was amazing to write such simple words that were SO real. "I envy your artistic talent." "I envy how sweet you are and your kind heart." "I envy the relationship you have with your children." "I envy the fun things you do." "I envy your marriage and friendships."

While I wish I could say we are in a season of simple blessings, the birth of our King, and giving back, in the back of my mind we are in the season of comparison. How many gifts can we shove into a shopping cart? How can I stuff that tree? That family bought this for their children so we need to up the gifts. That mom looks amazing in her Christmas party dress, why do I look "fat?" Why did her husband put so much thought into her gift and I got this old thing? How can I fit in every last single thing that I can go to just because? Guilty as charged. Why are they invited to everything and I'm just looking for a friend? When did our eyes stray so far from the true meaning of the holiday season? I realized at that moment a lot of things I truly, legitimately envy about people I can make my own. I can create those beautiful things for myself if only I gave as much effort in doing it and spent less time comparing.... Although I don't think my hair will ever be as beautiful as Amy's or Melanie's!

This year, our family is slowing down and creating memories with our friends and family. Over the next thirteen days leading up to Christmas, I'll share a glimpse at our fun traditions and simplicity. For our family that is far from Reidsville, NC it's a peek into our life here that we love so much. Feel free to swipe any of the ideas that I post! Most of them I grab off Pinterest anyway! Let this be the week's reminder to slow down in your own lives and truly savor the holiday season without envy. Slightly imperfect cookies and all.