The Start of a Painful Journey of Faith

It's been so long since the last time I wrote. I realized the last time that I wrote was one week before we found out we were expecting. It's amazing how much can change in a matter of two months.

Our pregnancy story is a weird one... and in a nutshell crazy. I was 5 days late. I wasn't testing positive but I just knew it wasn't right. My body is a little kooky but this was beyond. I took another test and left it on the counter. It tested negative. I threw it in the trash with a "what the hell is wrong with my body" and walked away. That night, something told me take out the trash and fish that test out. What did I see? A positive. A dark positive. I knew it had been plenty of time for that other to test positive. Apparently God's plan was a little different then mine. I SCREAMED "what the hell??" And our journey began... (I kept it classy in true Jill form.)

May 2nd, 2017 we were given news in a way we were expecting, but faithfully denying. Our sweet 11 week old fetus was going to become an angel baby. I was going to have an angel. I was speechless, but knew it was coming. Three weeks prior, we started having routine appointments and things just didn't seem right. When they say a mom's gut knows, they do. Trust it.  At our first appointment, it measured small, but Landree did too. No biggie, come back next week. The following week, we go back and the baby had grown some, but the heart beat was low. At that point the tech gave us a little heads up but she said as long as there is growth,  we are ok. Some babies just have lower heart beats.

Our third appointment came and our world was rocked. We came in and although I visibly saw the beating heart (and my God was it beautiful) the baby that should be measuring around 10 weeks was still only measuring 6.5. My gut told me it was done. I knew it. We were taken to the room with the doctor. She's truly an amazing Christian woman that is real with us. She is compassionate but doesn't sugar coat and I appreciate that about her. She delivered the news that although our sweet angel had a beating heart, it wasn't going to make it. I think I was numb and she was stunned my reaction wasn't different. At that point I was just trying to stare at the wall, pull it together and have some sense. We were offered another ultrasound which at first I took so they could confirm that the baby wasn't growing. Later on, I chose not to. God told it's not what I needed. I needed to remember that sweet baby's heart beating... and honestly it's the best decision I think I've made in my life. I called the doctor back and scheduled my D and C for the next week after confirming through blood work my numbers were indeed dropping

Our anniversary came and passed. We spent an amazing weekend in the Smokey Mountains and thank god it came when it did. We spent time as a family truly soaking up that time together. We didn't need to do anything fancy, we just needed to be together. We hiked, laughed, ate amazing food, and just lived spontaneously. God knew that I needed that. Our family prayed more in those weeks then we ever have. To hear your husband tearfully praying for your family is something you just never seem to get out of your mind.

Thursday I walked into the surgery terrified. Once you have a child any type of surgery can be terrifying. I can't imagine anyone else raising our sweet girl. Of all of the things happening, that scared me the most. The surgery passed in a flash (10 minutes to be exact) and I woke up staring at the clock.  I didn't know what to expect or how I would feel. I couldn't even cry I felt numb. It almost scared me how "good" I felt. Like God truly removed 3 weeks of incredible stress, fears, and  tears out of me. I felt like I had lost 10lbs and I couldn't believe it. Through it all, I never actually prayed for God to save this sweet baby. I prayed for his peace and grace to get through this moment. More then anything, I needed to feel his grace and His arms wrapped around me. It's a void no human can fill. I have never known a peace like this. I can't even begin to describe it. I will say for those wondering because many have asked, before anything was started the doctor DID do another ultrasound pre-surgery just in case anything had changed. I consider myself blessed that I didn't have to see it.

Tomorrow I'll share the month after and where our family is going from here.  To any families that may read this or are going through it... you aren't alone. I share my journey because God says it's time and he knows it will be therapeutic for my soul. I'll never know why he brought us here, but I know it's for Him to use we just keep walking the journey.